Don't Worry

I gained clarity this week from a word search app that I play during my brief bouts of down time. Since I'm the only one that plays it I'm always trying too beat my own high score, but I was forced to slow down this one time. At the end of this particular session I had three words left that I realized summed up my "religious views:" let, god, & lie.

Let. God. Lie.

I don't like getting into discussions about religion, or politics, which it's why I'm posting it here instead of on Facebook. I'm making a statement, that's all. Take it or leave it. I don't want to get into a big debate about what I post. That said, I don't like to easily assign to labels about my beliefs, or lack thereof. So every once in a while when I do have a discussion about it, at the end the person says "Okay, so you're atheist." I just say Sure, why not? and I think Whatever it takes for you to wrap your head around the way I live my life.

I'm just not convinced. None of the beliefs sound plausible or likely. And there's been no evidence in my life for them, just conditioning by other people just like me. So I just don't think what believers believe is real, but no one can say YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY WRONG because none of us know for sure. But you can bet your sweet buns that I'm not gonna live the rest of my life on the shakey grounds of Maybe and What If. I'll live according to what's here, and I'll be a decent human being to others, try not to ruin my life, and glean some happiness along the way.

The word search summed up my opinion of others practicing religion. Let god lie. I can't tell anyone not to believe in something else, not to feel that there's something more to this world. Our existence is our perception of the world around us, and that's a part of some people's existence. I would like, however, for religious fervor to calm the hell down.

The proclamation of a god was a way to explain The Unknown, which was almost everything around us. As we started to explore the world and figure out the phenomena around us, like the sun, this god was responsible for less; at least, he was supposed to be. Religion swiftly became a measure of control over those who were less educated. It made money for a government and established a sub-nation that encompassed existing official nations; we call this organized religion. It was used as an excuse to sail off to unknown places and take over land from savages and call their religious practices wrong, when they they just weren't as developed and far less corrupt than this Christianity. Religion was a validation, a confirmation of the affirmations of those who were dissatisfied with what they had in life, or couldn't get what they want and thus sought out elsewhere. As western democratic government developed away from the controlling hand of God and who he ordained to be leaders and rulers, the god became more "personal."

Throughout all of this the god has been a comfort to the uncomfortable.
You were born poor? Don't worry, you'll be rich after you die.
Feeling like you're alone and no one knows/cares that you exist? Don't worry, the big guy who made you alongside the natural course of biology in your mother's womb watches over you and loves you just as much as he loves the next guy.
Feel like you're going through the motions and the day to day isn't worth living sometimes? Don't worry, all you need is love, and that heaven place is gonna be bomb, when you die.
You aren't a good person, and feel bad about it sometimes? Don't worry He doesn't judge and will love you no matter what, until you go to hell, if you go to hell.
Don't know what to do with your life and you're kind of just drifting? Don't worry, the maker of all things made you with a plan for your life. Just go with it, you don't have to put much thought into living.

Let God lie.
Live life as if you don't know what's going on, because none of us do. Don't really have a driving passion? So what, there are plenty of necessary mundane jobs that need to be filled. And it's okay to have them. There doesn't have to be something more. This world is interesting and confounding enough without all the added madness. Store God with science fiction. He'll still get a following that way. And like I said before, I feel this way about all religious beliefs, Christianity is just the loudest and most obnoxious one, taking up the most space, ruining lives with its meaningless implementations.

I want to believe that a rational generation is budding who won't conform to conditioning and feel like it's necessary to carry this dead horse. But a lot of the kids these days getting face time are dumber than before. Oh well. I'm resolved to deal with what comes up. Change has to come eventually, even if the masses are stubborn the whole way.

Still Going Strong

Chris and I have been together now for almost 3 years, and a little less than half of that has been while we were living in different cities, cumulatively. During our most recent separation (me living in San Francisco and he first in Arizona and now in LA) I've had a couple realizations.

The first one is kind of a sad one. I was in Arizona for 3 weeks over my winter break and as I buckled into my seat on the plane to fly back I was less than excited to be back here. It was the first time that I was kind of discontent with my decisions for a successful future. My thought was Why can't I be working/going to school and live with the people I love? At that moment I just felt tired of the distance, I just wanted that part to be over and everything to fall into place. I'm still here, so obviously I'm committed to my decision to continue school, and I do still think it will benefit my future endeavors. But I want to have my cake and eat it too. So my current goal is to land a long-term internship to use for my directed study starting next summer in LA, so I can live there and finish school online. Luckily, AAU is very supportive of its own online program. So that should work, I just need to get in contact with someone down there that wants me.

Is it evidence of love when you can acknowledge a trying truth about your partner and still want to be with them? I'm sure that has to be just a part of the description of love. And I'm not talking about anything big. I had my second realization within the last week.
My friend Erica is  living with me this summer until the fall semester starts and she moves into the dorms again. We share a studio apartment with a small kitchen and a small bathroom. She is the easiest-going roommate I've ever had, and is probably the best option for a situation like this, even over Chris. I lived with Chris in a similar transition period twice, once for two weeks, and the other last summer for a few months, and having separate spaces was pretty much essential. Erica and I are very similar: easy-going with small expectations of decency. We take turns doing the dishes, sometimes they pile up, and it always gets addressed. We make meals for each other and included each other in our social lives, supporting each other during this summer of potential boredom while school is out (for the most part) and most of our friends are out of town, and our money is tight so going out is scarce. This very close living situation has made our friendship stronger.
The same situation would strain Chris and I. I simply don't think living in a studio would work. Even if we have more floor space. I don't wanna list reasons and specific situations that we've dealt with when living together and how that wouldn't work here, because I don't want to seem like I'm attacking him remotely. But, despite the love, the same situation would likely strain our relationship more than (or maybe simultaneously) strengthening it.

I'm also considering way more seriously what he brought up way back in the earlier days of our relationship: living separately, for a while at least. After this honeymoon roommate situation I don't think I want to go back to anything less, not in the immediate future. When/If I move to LA next year I want to find my own place, and I think that will be best for us. I know what an ideal roommate situation looks like now, and I know what people are most definitely capable of, without too much effort. So I won't take excuses for dishes not being done or addressed, only added to for days at a time, or only one of us making food, buying groceries until things become one-sided and unfair until we have to Talk About It rather than it just being done.

Watch out world (and potential future roommates), I have standards now, and with every week that goes by I'm liking the idea of living alone for the next few years more and more.

I'm Me, Get Over it

This first bugged me a while back, but I'm pretty over it now. I'm more resigned with reality rather than irritated with people's opinions.

I've heard it all before and I guess I didn't pay attention because I was so excited about my new short hair. But since it's been 4 years this August since my new pixie cut, it's not so new anymore. And I expect people who've only known me having short hair to accept it as a part of me, as well. Example: I got eyeglasses for the first time just after the end of 5th grade. That summer I went to a new summer camp and my friends there only knew me with glasses. So when I left my glasses at home because I kept forgetting them because I wasn't used to having glasses yet, my friends were confused, because they only knew me with glasses. *Sigh* I wish life was simple like then.

But, I've heard the societal imprinted opinions that long flowing hair is beautiful and guys are attracted to long hair on women and what not. So what? I don't care. I look good with my short hair. I also don't like taking care of a lot of hair. And I prefer the way I look with short hair to long hair. With long hair I look like most [black] women you'll come across. Separately, I also think [women with] pixie haircuts (more often than not) are cute. Their attitudes and dress and look seem spunkier, more interesting, unique even. And with my pixie haircut I'm a part of that. I've had no regrets with my haircut, and I still don't.

So my new BFF (not an official title), Sebastien is talking about women with long hair—I think it was after our workout and before dinner—and how they're attractive and blah blah blah. That's all well and good, I don't really care. Then he swings it black to me: You should grow your hair out, blah blah blah. And I tell him some portion of the above. Sure most guys think long hair is gorgeous and sexy, but so what? I like the way I look. Better yet I'm dating someone who likes the way I look, too.

So of course the next occasion (not chronologically, but on the issue at hand) is watching the Cee Lo Green video, Fuck You on Skype with Chris. I'd heard the song with Kody on his iPod when I was hanging out with him down in Palo Alto, near Stanford. He raved about the song, and yeah it was fun, I like it. Chris raved about it to on this particular Skype session, and I hadn't seen the video yet, and yeah that was fun too. Cee Lo Green did a good job. I liked the story in the video and the style he chose. So at some point Chris goes "ooh, that girl is cute!" nbd, don't care, I'm confident in myself.

"You should grow your hair out like her! Girls with long hair are hot!" I'm not retarded. I know he wasn't saying I wasn't attractive, or that she was more attractive than I am. But only that long hair would amp up my image. But I felt like my last line of defense was gone.What's the hell? My bf is like everyone else. I don't wanna date everyone else. Simultaneously on Twitter I posted about how excited I was about my recent haircut. I love haircuts, every time I'm so happy. Maria responds supportively. Responding tweet: You're one of three people left on this planet that likes my hair short... Cee Lo Green video happens. And I have the urge to retweet, but I try not to be very morbid online, but the thought that goes through my head is "now there's only two of us." It's a bit of an extreme but hey, w/e.

Like I said, I'm over it, but I've wanted to blog this rant for a while, since about the beginning of November. I like my hair. Chris likes my hair, he compliments me on it. Shit like this will happen occasionally. And like all things, I'll get over it eventually. Some things take longer. This only took a few weeks to simmer down. Every time I get a haircut I'm reminded of how much I love my look. And you know, considering I don't like the task of doing hair, even if I did have a hair stylist to do my hair everyday, and the desire to get up early or stay up late enough to compensate for the time it takes to do my hair, I still wouldn't have it long. I'd just have my pixie look perfected.

So take that, society. Suck my short hair strands, cuz they're stayin that way. :-P

Blitz Friendships?

I don't wanna sound like I'm blowing my own horn, but I feel like a siren. I go around to different cities, do what I gotta do there, and move on. But when I move I leave all these people behind who miss me, and express it vehemently. Sometime early on in high school, maybe even middle school, I was in a phase where I wondered for a while Who would come to my funeral if I died? Essentially, Who cared whether I was still around or not? I am fortunate enough now that I don't even feel the need to ask that question. I feel loved, and that's all I really ever wanted.

What's interesting is that at some point in college I began to take a different approach to my friendships. I didn't go into them thinking "These are the days/people that I'll remember for the rest of my life," making a big deal over of them. Instead, I just acknowledged that so and so and I got along well so we just hung out, and I tried to have fun with them. That's all, really. The majority of the friends I thought I was emotionally investing in at the time I don't really speak to anymore. And that's fine. I expect to make and lose a few friends yet over the next handful of years, while I'm still Exploring Life.

All in all, I'm kind of inclined to think that it's the frequent moving that gets people to realize how much they enjoy spending time with me (though I'm sure my dynamic of friendship has changed for the better over the years). So on the one hand I'm thinking "Why not continue doing this? Making friends and moving, and seeing friends a few times a year?" But I know that it'll get tedious in time, and soon I'll find that those friendships become less than substantial, and I'll feel empty, again.

So for the time being I'm gonna cherish the love, and try to see my awesome friends all over the nation as much as I can afford to. :-) http://chum.ly/n/310462

The Resolution of Environment-Induced Insanity

Note: The names of the characters in my life--other than Chris--have been changed to protect the privacy of those I mention.

I recently gained some insight into the mad maze of my 18 year-old emotions. It was freeing because it was revealed to me that I wasn't as crazy as I had thought. I was emotional and confused because the situation was confusing; I wasn't perceiving things too incorrectly. Billy came into town last week. Yeah, that old story. I first thought I saw him while I was walking across campus, past the Memorial Union. I was within 10 feet of him, closer that I had been in over a year. I stared.

I wasn't completely sure it was him, so I didn't say anything to him, but I did tell Chris as we kept walking that I thought I recognized that guy (to this day Chris doesn't realize the impact seeing Billy had on me. It's ok. I don't feel guilty Nothing happened. Life just got a little clearer). So I texted Billy to ask if he was in town. Hours later I received a reply saying he was, and yes it was him I saw. So we decide to hang out while he was here. Right after that my family came in town for my graduation ceremonies, and Billy and I don't hang out til after they left.

The hanging out was at Todd's, I think in Scottsdale. That was chill and very low-energy: we watched the end of Definitely, Maybe and at least one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; it was already late when Billy and I arrived. We talked in his car on the way there and back, though. Those were the significant times. On the way there I caught him up on m life. I downplayed Chris because Chris isn't my life (I don't like being the female friend that blabs about how awesome her boyfriend and other aspects of her life are, so I was and am very minimalistic). And we talked about his driving all over the the nation this summer to visit other friends and go to weddings. On the way back I talked more about Chris because Billy asked, and that led to a discussion about Long-Distance Relationships. He told me about a recent Long-Distance Relationship he had that was falling apart. He also mentioned Carla, so I asked about their relationship and he told me.

I found out that the year that I started at ASU and met Billy, and liked him, but was confused about what was going on with him and his romantic life, he and Carla had been together for a few years  before, but called it off at the beginning of that school year, but were still back and forth hooking up occasionally. Billy and I summarized that they were together, but not really together. After that, other factors played into their eventual break up, e.g. Billy's study abroad in Europe for a semester. They didn't survive after that. So I was confused, not just because of my own crazy [emotions], but because illy was unstable. I was reading the signals the way they were being sent, if Billy was at all interested in me in a "romantic" way (there's got to be another word for that...sexual? too lewd. dating?). But for sure nothing happened between us because I didn't make a move. But I think think I was better off pining and crying by myself than getting too involved in his drama and instability, because that being burned directly would've hurt a lot more. Things turned out for the best. We're friends. I'm happy. And we get to hang out in the fall when we're both in grad school in the Nor-Cal area. What what.

The Marriage Issue

Dec 30th, my friend Ivory and I happened upon a movie that further cemented my negative view of marriage. The movie was Nine, a movie about a famous Italian man trying to put together a movie and simultaneously failing at life. He had a wife and a mistress, who was married, and as he told his wife I wish you were here, you do so much for me when I’m making movies, blah blah blah, maybe it’s better that I just get away from everything. He gives his mistress the address to his hotel and puts her up in a little place so he can fuck away his frustrations.

The story isn’t a new one, the husband, wife, and known mistress thing is very…not common…widely known, and to some degree accepted—don’t worry, I’m not going on some rant about how women are treated less fairly than men in situations of affairs. The issue is that I kind of saw myself as his wife, having the potential to be his wife. She’s pretty, they met through their careers, she stepped back when he needed his space, was there for him if/when he needed her, and for no good reason he drifts away, he needs something more, something more than everything she could possibly give; and the terrible part is that he doesn’t even know what he wants or lacks. It was a hopeless and sad situation. And I think the cause of the situation, other than the fact the he couldn’t properly handle life at the time, was marriage.

The analogy that I came up with was this: marriage is like a piece of fruit. Soon after becoming married—be it the minute after the vows are said, a couple months into it, or just after the first anniversary—the marriage is a piece of fruit picked off of a tree: from that moment on it’s rotting and it’s the owners’ job to get from it what they can, catch it at ultimate ripeness, perfect sweetness. And from then on it’s dying and rotting and turning sour. I’m making it sound more dramatic than it can be. Usually there is no key thing that ruins a marriage, no one event. It’s just a rift that grows out of several small things. All of a sudden you’re not growing together, you don’t like the same things about that person that you first did—or those things don’t exist anymore—or you just become different people, people that probably shouldn’t be together anymore. But the problem is that once you’re married you’re not committed to each other, you’re not trying to build up each other, you’re committed to this thing that you two built together, this relationship, this marriage (and if it’s the case, you’re committed to the kids), this invisible object that’s essentially a sheet of paper with your names on them, a couple of symbolic rings, the mortgage that you two took out together, or whatever. And I think that’s at the heart of the growing rot. People change when they’re married. They’re not the people they were when they fell in love, nor are they trying to be anymore. I’m not saying the people in a marriage shouldn’t change from who they first were; that’s silly. But somewhere along the way they’re not growing and changing together, there’s a rift, a misunderstanding, miscommunication, a difference of opinion that slowly rotting out what they started together.

At this moment in history I don’t want to get married. I think I’d be happy dating the same guy for the rest of my life, never marrying him, maybe never living together (not for very long, at least), simply because I think I’ll try harder, I’ll care more, I won’t take what we have for granted because there’s no piece of paper saying that we’re official. I’d have to try harder to keep what we have because there’s nothing guaranteeing that that relationship will still be there in 3 months.

The two biggest instigators for marriage are religion and tradition. It’s been instilled in our and many other societies that our goal, as humans, is to find a partner and commit ourselves to them for as long as we possibly can, and procreate, aka “raise a family.” I’ll call it The Human Condition, for lack of a better and more creative title. But I think we’re more like animals than we care to admit.
Siberian Tigers are independent creatures. They each have their own territories and the only time they share is when a female is raising kids, which only lasts for 18 months. When a Siberian Tiger female is ready to mate she’ll leave signs, literally: she’ll leave urine deposits and scratch trees as an indication. Depending on how extensive her and neighboring territories are she may have to go find a male. The female is “receptive” for only 3 days and she and the male mate several times over that period of time, then he leaves, she’s pregnant, has kids, then moves on herself. Why can’t we have such a system? Obviously it wouldn’t be with the same time frames but adapt it to our own nature/desires.

What’s wrong with not being married? What’s wrong with just having a few long time partners over the course of your life (and possibly other less significant shorter-term partners)? Essentially, what’s wrong with that? How will that affect our species? Our societies? There will always be promiscuous people; the instillment of religions and laws haven’t changed that. I think if we [could] work to shape an ideal society where we don’t use otherworldly phenomena to scare and motivate the masses to do the right thing, to instead condition and train each other to do what’s best for us as a species, we can avoid what I will now call The Marriage Issue (amongst many many other issues).

If you want to know more about the movie itself, just ask me in person. That’s much simpler to discuss :-P