Monday, May 24, 2010

The Resolution of Environment-Induced Insanity

Note: The names of the characters in my life--other than Chris--have been changed to protect the privacy of those I mention.

I recently gained some insight into the mad maze of my 18 year-old emotions. It was freeing because it was revealed to me that I wasn't as crazy as I had thought. I was emotional and confused because the situation was confusing; I wasn't perceiving things too incorrectly. Billy came into town last week. Yeah, that old story. I first thought I saw him while I was walking across campus, past the Memorial Union. I was within 10 feet of him, closer that I had been in over a year. I stared.

I wasn't completely sure it was him, so I didn't say anything to him, but I did tell Chris as we kept walking that I thought I recognized that guy (to this day Chris doesn't realize the impact seeing Billy had on me. It's ok. I don't feel guilty Nothing happened. Life just got a little clearer). So I texted Billy to ask if he was in town. Hours later I received a reply saying he was, and yes it was him I saw. So we decide to hang out while he was here. Right after that my family came in town for my graduation ceremonies, and Billy and I don't hang out til after they left.

The hanging out was at Todd's, I think in Scottsdale. That was chill and very low-energy: we watched the end of Definitely, Maybe and at least one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; it was already late when Billy and I arrived. We talked in his car on the way there and back, though. Those were the significant times. On the way there I caught him up on m life. I downplayed Chris because Chris isn't my life (I don't like being the female friend that blabs about how awesome her boyfriend and other aspects of her life are, so I was and am very minimalistic). And we talked about his driving all over the the nation this summer to visit other friends and go to weddings. On the way back I talked more about Chris because Billy asked, and that led to a discussion about Long-Distance Relationships. He told me about a recent Long-Distance Relationship he had that was falling apart. He also mentioned Carla, so I asked about their relationship and he told me.

I found out that the year that I started at ASU and met Billy, and liked him, but was confused about what was going on with him and his romantic life, he and Carla had been together for a few years  before, but called it off at the beginning of that school year, but were still back and forth hooking up occasionally. Billy and I summarized that they were together, but not really together. After that, other factors played into their eventual break up, e.g. Billy's study abroad in Europe for a semester. They didn't survive after that. So I was confused, not just because of my own crazy [emotions], but because illy was unstable. I was reading the signals the way they were being sent, if Billy was at all interested in me in a "romantic" way (there's got to be another word for that...sexual? too lewd. dating?). But for sure nothing happened between us because I didn't make a move. But I think think I was better off pining and crying by myself than getting too involved in his drama and instability, because that being burned directly would've hurt a lot more. Things turned out for the best. We're friends. I'm happy. And we get to hang out in the fall when we're both in grad school in the Nor-Cal area. What what.